Dogs and grief
The types of grief that arise from the passing of a furry, four-legged best friend
Hello, welcome to Compassionate Nature. This week is not quite the usual research digest this week, which is also published later than usual. Following a sad event earlier in the week I haven’t been able to focus much on new research, so this is perhaps a more reflective piece, with some added research as reading around the topic is helpful, as indeed writing is. And it is shorter than usual post, which at least one reader (hello Mum!) might welcome.
We recently said goodbye to our family dog after many years of furry companionship. She had suffered a sudden decline following an illness which was causing her a lot of discomfort and it was time for her to rest. When the vet had suggested that, subject to test results, an end of life intervention was the likely outcome there was never going to another option for us and her.
After all those years of being there for us we needed to do the right, compassionate thing for her as hard as that decision was.
Although there are a few definitions of compassion, they often refer to responding to distress in the most appropriate way, guided by the wisdom to do what is most helpful, supported by a courage to accept the pain this may itself bring.
Marc Hamer writing in his excellent memoir A Life in Nature suggests that “compassion is born at the interaction between joy and sadness.” That emotional dichotomy was there at the end with her, taking comfort in knowing that the last thing she would see was one of her pack, holding her.
Walking down this road
When my pulse beats slow
Hope to have you close at hand.- James, Moving On
Sadly the majority of dog owners will have to act with similar compassion. A 2023 paper by Elizabeth Pearson and colleagues used data from US dog owners to report that 85% of dog deaths during 2021 were by euthanasia. This decision was most commonly as a result of illness or old age, with the owners stating the main reason was to address their dog’s pain and suffering. A study published in 2021 by the Royal Veterinary College based on over 29,000 dog deaths in the UK reported similar findings, with around 91% involving euthanasia.
And it is not just the owners who experience grief and sadness around the decision, it involves the veterinary staff too. Concerns have been expressed around the level of mental wellbeing support for vets and the increased levels of depression and suicide within the profession, some of which may be linked to having to perform euthanasia as a regular part of their role. It has been reported that vets experience the death of those they look after around five times more than doctors do.
However while the grief associated with a death of a loved pet or animal companion is felt deeply there are concerns that it is not a socially recognised form of grief and indeed to talk about it may lead to responses which attempt to minimise the intensity or significance of the loss. This can be seen as a form of disenfranchised grief, which Breeanna Spain, Lisel O’Dwyer & Stephen Moston’s 2019 paper suggests can be applied to the loss of a dog. Disenfranchised grief occurs where social norms guide what is expected around grief, which includes considering who or what the grief relates to and how this grief should be expressed. One type of disenfranchised grief relates to when the loss is not fully recognised or is seen as less than other losses, with the suggestion that grief around the loss of a pet is socially expected to pass quickly or to be addressed by a replacement.
Another form of grief may occur due to our ability to mentally travel through time - we can re-visit the past and visit an imagined future. I found myself preparing by playing and replaying in my mind how I thought going to the vet would be like, imagining holding her for the last time and the words I would say. This appears linked to anticipatory grief, which describes a grief that precedes the actual loss. This also struck me as reflective of my experience on our last walk. It was lovely to take her out but a heavy sadness walked alongside us too, even though she was with us and enjoying the sniffs on a favourite walk. In a 2024 paper Christopher McCarroll and Karen Yan present a perspective on how mental time travel supports this anticipatory grief, noting this is not just imagining the future loss. Through our use of memory and the ability to envisage a future that we know is going to happen the complex emotional response of grief can occur prior to the actual loss. This is especially relevant when the loss impacts part of our identity, such as being a dog owner. We may also reflect on thoughts such as “what might we have done earlier?” and imagine how that might have changed the outcome. This is perhaps also linked to responsibility grief, which is related to the sense of care we have for our animal companions. While making the decision for euthanasia is one of the most caring acts to address suffering we can take, it perhaps also feels at odds with looking after our pets.
Emily Leonhardt-Parr and Benjamin Rumble 2024 paper provides more insight into some of these aspects of grief around pet loss. Based on interviews with counsellors who support pet bereavement, their analysis identified a number of themes including the social aspects around grief and what the loss meant.
The theme of social norms towards animal companion or pet loss reflected the sense that such loss was not taken as seriously and that the related grief was not as valid as that associated with human bereavement. This perspective can impact or limit the ability to grieve due to responses from other people which may seem to minimise the loss. The theme of the meaning associated to the loss highlighted that for many pet owners the loss is similar to a human bereavement. The animal companion will often have provided and supported connections within the wider family or household, with the loss often changing key daily routines that included or catered for them, with that loss of routine adding to the grief.
The loss of routines is a key one for me. Aside from the obvious ones like going for walks, that includes turning around expecting her to be two steps behind me, with that look which said “I am wondering if you are on the way to my biscuit tin?” or her ‘helping’ me put the rubbish out in the bin which she appeared to think I was incapable on my own without supervision.
The day after our dog died we went to the allotment. There was a need to do something, to be in nature and feel the life in the soil.
“Nature is unperturbed by our feelings and … we can experience a kind of consolation that helps assuage the loneliness of loss.”
In her book The Well Gardened Mind, Sue Stuart-Smith explores many aspects of how gardening can help with mental and emotional wellbeing, including towards loss and grief. Sue writes about the refuge that gardens can provide, where healing and restoration can occur. She also highlights the importance of trees within various cultures around grief and death. We are thinking of a tree as a memorial, one with white blossom, that will carry her memory on across the coming years.
As the late, great Terry Pratchett wrote in his novel Reaper Man
“No-one is finally dead until the ripples they cause in the world die away.”
And for a small dog, she left a lot of ripples.
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I think you need to have owned a dog to realise how much they are missed when they are gone.
Here is my story, someone will relate to it. https://open.substack.com/pub/abforbes/p/a-display-of-respect-and-love?r=yn8c0&utm_medium=ios
So beautifully written, highlighting those shared everyday moments and routines, the experience of presence and togethernesses. Take care.